he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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