Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
