I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
