My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Randomize
