Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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