I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Randomize
