i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
