The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
