i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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