my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
