Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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