Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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