girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
