He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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