she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
it's like heaven, but drunker
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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