He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Sorry about my life...
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
