I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
