considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
