just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
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