I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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