You're my little dorito
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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