you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
