I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
