I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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