I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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