I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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