i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
