and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
