Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
