Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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