The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
