Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
