put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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