i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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