So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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