end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
