Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Randomize
