Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
