I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
we're making bets on your personal life
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
