the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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