he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
