If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
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