why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
question - sack: should she or should she not play with it during foreplay?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
