my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I will be naked everywhere
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
