Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
