Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Every concussion has its silver lining
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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