I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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