Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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