is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
