I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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