Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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