9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
