apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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