i barfeds in our rink
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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